Mary and Elizabeth

I am amazed by the crazy experience pregnancy must be for a woman.  Watching my wife go through it, it totally makes sense the immediate connection and solidarity that she has with other currently pregnant women. However, when I see this, I immediately try to categorize one woman as "Mary" and one as "Elizabeth" and either want the "Elizabeth" to be a mentor figure to us or my wife to be the mentor figure to the "Mary". Being the J that I am, I get especially gleeful if one woman is almost exactly 6 months ahead of the other. I'm a weirdo.

Would I really be pro-life if...

A relative of mine recently got married and found out they were pregnant. As a couple, they are not very well-off financially or in a place the secular culture might deem as being "ready" to start a family.  Not being particularly religious, they were receiving pressure to abort the pregnancy and were seriously considering it as an option.

When I heard about the situation, it hit rather close to home.  It made me realize that in my social circle, there isn't a lot of practical room for a situation like aborting an "unplanned pregnancy" to play out or at least where the couple would share about it as if it were a completely normal and valid option.

All of the catechesis that I've received or that I've taught or that my fellow young adult volunteers at my church teach is mostly theoretical.  We are quite well-versed in the rhetoric, but through this situation, I've realized that very few of us have a deeply personal connection or at the very least, share openly about a deeply personal connection to these life issues in our lives (ABC's tend not to be very vulnerable, but that's a different post entirely).

Being in the middle of our own pregnancy, I've had to face these issues more than I've ever had in the past on a personal level.  It has been a great experience being a part of the West Coast Walk For Life and also praying outside of an abortion clinic, but when our doctor is telling my wife and I about the need for genetic testing so in the case of catastrophic genetic deformity, we would be able to consider our "options," it hits me in a much deeper way.

Thankfully, my conscience has been well-formed enough so that we will receive whoever God gives us, no matter what.  But it was an interesting thought experiment for me to think about what it might feel like to consider abortion in the event of a major disability. 

I found that my immediate, albeit hypothetical, reaction was that all of the dreams of having a normal child, like running around in a lush field of green grass, having rowdy family dinners, cheering at their sporting events, etc., were the first thing to be offended and since that's what I really wanted - those experiences - the child, not being able to provide that, so I would think, didn't fit. 

The second reaction was thinking about all of the work and sacrifice that I hadn't signed up for.  There were expectations of a normal first few years of sleepless nights and diaper changes, but eventually the child would gain more and more independence and ultimately, we would have an empty-nest.  I didn't sign up to have to care for this child the rest of my life, never regaining the independence that I was supposing to only be temporarily giving up (see #2).

I found both reactions to be selfish.

On the flip side of the earlier situation, I lay awake that night asking myself, "If [the couple] were going to go through with the abortion, do I value life so much that I would volunteer to adopt their child?  I mean, I talk the pro-life talk, but do I believe it so much that I would sacrifice my life in this way so that a priceless life that I always teach/preach about would be saved?  Of course I would have to talk it over with [my wife]...I wonder what she would think.  It would be almost like having twins.  That would be CRRRAZY.  Jon and Kate Plus Eight here we come?  And it's interesting that the only way I'm having this conversation with myself (Thought Inception!) is because I'm married.  This definitely wouldn't work if I was still single.  Funny how marriage changes things..."  I think I fell asleep after that.

Thankfully, the couple has decided to keep their child!  That has now led me down the line of thinking how we can help support them and future play dates.

Relic of St. Mary Magdalene

As much as I love the Church, one of those things that I'm still trying to more fully understand is the devotion and veneration of relics.  Reading up on it a bit, I can grasp that the bodies of saints as former temples of the Holy Spirit through which many blessings of God were poured out ought to have a special place particularly in light of undertsanding our bodies via the Theology of the Body.  However, in practice, I'm not quite sure what to do with that.

A relic of St. Mary Magdalene (a piece of her tibia) was at Vallombrosa on February 20 making its California tour and I had the opportunity to go and see it.  This was my first time seeing a first-class relic and I had no idea what to expect.

Vallombrosa had provided some history on the relic and so it was nice having an explanation of the timeline all the way back to St. Mary herself.  When it comes to relics, I often find myself wondering how people really know it actually belonged to the saint.  I'm skeptical that some dude dug up a body part, made some outrageous claim, and then here we gullible people are, centuries later, wanting some affirmation of our faith and venerating it.  I don't really believe that, but the thought does cross my mind.  However, knowing how the Church moves and how careful she tries to be when it comes to claims like this helps that.

Entering the chapel where the relic was on display being venerated, there were many people praying before it (her?).  As I waited to go up to it, I was watching what other people were doing.  Most people went up to it, looked/stared at it, presumably praying in their heart, and then closed with a sign of the cross.  Then it was my turn.

"Wow!  That's a big-ass piece of bone."  That was my first thought.  Oops. 

"Hi! ..."  That was my second thought.

I hope I still looked reverent like everyone else.

Not having a lot of experience with non-living human body parts, I was surprised by how dark the bone was.  At the same time, I found myself struck by the fact that this was part of St. Mary Magdalene herself!  This flashed me back to a self-imagined dramatic, epic montage of the Bible stories of St. Mary.  Snapping back to reality, but with gravity still there, I had a deep sense of my faith connection being here in the 21st century going all the way back to the time of Jesus.  I felt privileged to be a part of such a rich history and even empowered to be able to continue on the battle of faith.  I closed with a quick prayer asking St. Mary to pray for me to continue to grow in my understanding of her, this whole relics thing, and following Jesus better.  Not the most eloquent, but it was me.

I think that might be what it's all about.

Procession of the relic of St. Mary

My Spoon is too Big

I was always under the impression that to be a man meant that you always had to be the big spoon.  It was the position of power and control.  You also got to be the protector and provider of warmth.

Since being married, I now have the possibility of spooning every night and for long periods of time.   However, that has turned the above ideal into awkward placements of the mattress side arm, mouthfuls of hair which always tickles your face first, and getting way too hot.

Being wiser and more married-er, I've discovered that a key to marital bliss actually lies in being the small spoon! The wifey still feels secure and warm wrapping herself around you, your arm no longer needs to go numb under her head (for some reason this isn't as big of a deal for women), and you can breathe easy, hair-free, AND have full control of the blanket thermostat (ie. how much you are in or out of the covers).  You can take that to the bank.

Pregnancy Envy as a Guy

It's really weird as a guy to know what pregnancy envy feels like. Prior to wanting to start a family or even being married, I knew this was an experience for people who desired to have a child, but were having trouble conceiving. Growing up, I knew of certain couples in the church who wanted children, but couldn't and even now, I'm friends with couples experiencing this. It seems pretty obvious that it must be very difficult when people around them are getting pregnant and especially when their good friends who try for the first time and boom, they're pregant. It's also probably very spiritually stretching if you're in a good a place and spiritually dark if you're not.

However, my personal empathy to this experience prior to us wanting to start a family was that I was only affected when talking to these couples directly, hearing them share about their struggles or trying to be sensitive about dropping any mutual friends' baby news.  I didn't really think about it otherwise.  Out of sight, out of mind, I guess.

My wife and I have always been very excited to start a family and both desire a large family. But now that we're actually starting to try, the whole shift in mindset has been quite staggering. There are lots of weird little things that I start to notice or think about. Among them:

• It's quite liberating to go from avoiding green and white baby stickers (Creighton Model) to just enjoying each other.  It's funny because in our first few months of marriage, almost every month, there was a day we "shouldn't have used" which caused us to look forward to the next period in anxiety wondering if we got pregnant.  I remember thinking that if we had gotten pregnant, I would've been a bit distraught.
• The whole process has really brought out what my wife and I individually believe about God's goodness to us.  We can tend to struggle with feeling like God asks us to sacrifice things for Him more often than not so we've found ourselves wondering if we'll end up being one of the couples who can't conceive or if we may be parents to a special-needs child or something else.  This has really brought to light the concept of barrenness in the Bible and how it's an age old problem. 
• On that note, the whole process just seems way slower than I expected.  Each month you try during the fertile time and then you just ........... wait.  There's nothing else you can really do to make things happen faster or ensure a positive result.  You just wait and see if the period comes.  It was a bit surprising, but very interesting to see that in conjuction with the common societal value of needing to be in control.  We have only been trying a few months and so far, it's felt like forever.  I know there are tons of couples who are rolling their eyes right now.
• And as you're waiting, I've noticed that my wife struggles with how much to look into every single sign.  I'm starting to cramp --> my period must be coming --> I'm not pregnant =(.  I'm feeling a bit nauseous --> I've had a cold for a while --> or I might be pregnant.  For the woman who is desiring to become pregnant, it feels like such a roller coaster ride.
• On my side, it feels like EVERYONE is pregnant around me.  All of a sudden, I have baby bump radar (or bump-dar).  There are seriously at least six women at work who are pregnant and three guys just announced that their wives are pregnant.  In the same meeting.  It's like it's so easy for other people.  And then that gets me thinking about all of the teen pregancies out there shaking my head in disbelief at how that works out.  Either they are having TONS of sex or they are super fertile. 

Well anyways, forgive my political incorrectness.  This is a new experience.

Reading Anti-Catholic Books

Being someone who loves the Catholic Church, but also had significant faith formation in the Evangelical church, the whole Catholic/Protestant discussion is one that's close to my heart. Books have played a huge role in my love for the Church, particularly those by Scott Hahn, but I have also tried to keep a balanced and open view by reading anti-Catholic books as well, most of which were passed on to me by Protestant friends or family (incidentally, I'm not sure if a few of them actually read the books they recommended). In the past, I've read books like Another Jesus and just finished Once a Catholic. I'm also about to start Preparing Catholics for Eternity.

For me, it's not always easy to read a book from a differing view point than my own (like The God Delusion), but it's an exercise which I find satisfaction in afterwards. I don't consider myself particularly intellectual or an excellent apologist. I know enough to where I stand firm in my faith, though there's always more to learn, and I can talk intelligently about it.

As a result, reading these types of books is always a bit of an internal wrestling match for me. I suppose my initial stance is something like this. When I come across a point that's easily refutable, it's easy to feel self-satisfied and vindicated - "*roll my eyes* See? That's why my faith is the right one!" On the other hand, when I come across a point that seems valid and I can't think of a counter-argument, it's easy for me to want to blow past the section pretending I didn't see it or think that there has to already be a refutation from someone smarter than me or have a momentary flash of, "What if I've been wrong all along?" which is what I think the authors really want.

It's interesting to me to observe my own default disposition when it comes to this type of reading. Obviously, I'll come in with my critical eye on because I know that there are lots different agendas, world views, and experiences out there that I need to be weary of. I also know that if that's my only approach, there's also a whole side of the human experience that I'll miss and to be honest, it can get very tiring. It can be very nice to read things that don't trigger the critical eye and to take in information as fact or sub-consciously absorb it without question. Sometimes, I just want to read something and let it speak to me in all my subjective glory and not worry about all the different arguments on both sides. At the same time, absorbing everything unquestioningly is scary to me. Where is the balance in the middle?

Chinese Dads are Asexual

Chinese parents suck at talking to kids about sex. I'm sure it's tough regardless of your ethnicity, but Chinese parents seem to extra suck at it. You add that to a modest culture and the fact that in society, up until recently, Chinese guys have been seen as asexual, and you get a tumultuous adolescence, particularly if you consider yourself a Christian.

There is lots of discussion on this topic so I won't go there this time, but there is a sub-topic that fascinates me. It's awkward for me to think about, but I can't for the life of me see a Chinese dad as a sexual being. It's already weird (and rare, I think) to see sexual situations in Asian media/dramas, but in real life it's even weirder. Recently, I was at a wedding where I heard that one of the dads in the wedding had cheated on the mom with her close friend. This was saddening, but not necessarily surprising since it's the type of drama you hear about a lot, especially on all these reality TV shows. However, then you remember that the dad we're talking about is someone like this:

and then it's like, "Whaaa..?!" You think all they care about is making money, making sure their offspring are successful, and solving engineering/math/medical problems. It's hard for me to think that they even have a horny bone in them. I don't think I've ever seen a Chinese dad check out another woman.

As I've gotten older and have come across more of our Chinese church gossip (which is a big problem, btw), there are lots of stories floating around about how various men have cheated. It's a sad (but not uncommon) situation, but I keep getting caught up on, "They...are out there....having sex?! *shiver* *dunks head in cold water*"

Fake Out Proposal

Among my broader circle of friends and acquaintances who are getting their marriage on, I’ve noticed a mini-trend. When the guys are imminently planning to propose to their girlfriend, it seems that inevitably, one of the ideas that gets tossed around is some sort of fake out where the guy will make the girl think he is about to propose and then doesn’t.

First, some background. In this broad circle (my wife and I included), it is very common for couples to go through some sort of pre-engagement counseling in addition to a pre-marital program. Now pre-marital counseling is nothing new, but pre-engagement counseling seems to be a newfangled thing. Impersonally, it seems to be a pervading value to make the best decision possible with the most information possible. More appropriately, couples usually do it to grow more deeply in their own understanding of self as well as explore more deeply the dynamics of their relationship.

As an aside, I highly recommend it as it was really helpful to “ask the hard questions” outside the context of being “locked in” (ie. a ring) and without the added overhead and the all-consuming process of planning a wedding. Said another way, it was helpful to prepare for a marriage instead of just preparing for a wedding.

Anyhow, doing so much relational processing as a couple will often times take out most, if not all, of the surprise of getting engaged assuming the couple discerns that they will be getting married (it would probably be a shock if they broke up). However, inevitably, the guy will still have some traditionalist sense of wanting to surprise his girl and it seems that the only way to reintroduce any surprise is to try and throw her off the trail.

This is why I think some sort of fake out idea is always tossed around. “I know she knows we’re getting married so if I ‘help’ her continue to think she knows what’s coming and then BOOM! not do anything, then I’ll be in the clear. Problem solved.”

I’m not saying that a fake out always ends up making the final cut. Sometimes, another female is introduced somewhere along the way who provides perspective for how extremely emotional it can be for a girl. But it seems that guys should get a little credit for wanting to keep some chivalry be it a bit misguided.

Awkward Gloria

Does anyone else notice that awkward moment during Peter Jones' Gloria?  I'm talking about the "call" at the 1:16 mark and the "non-response" at the 1:19 mark in the video below.



I mean, this version fills the space nicely with trumpets and other instruments, but most churches usually rock this version with only the piano which doesn't fill the space. And the next "have mercy on us" part is nicely call-and-response just like you'd expect with the rest of the song. What's up with that? Is there a musical or spiritual reason for this? Can someone explain it to me? For this moderately musically trained Chinese boy, it doesn't make much sense except for keeping me on my toes.

Every time we do this Gloria, I always have to intentionally remember not to sing during this part and I always cringe whenver an unsuspecting bystander (or spaced-out Chinese person) accidentally sings, "Lord God, Lamb of God."

Black and White

…So I get ever-so-slightly nervous when I’m around priests wearing their Roman collar.  This usually means that they’re wearing a black button-up shirt and usually a black jacket.  I’ve realized that it’s because I try not to notice, but I look anyways to see if they have a dandruff problem... 

Midnight Mass

Chritsmas Eve Midnight Mass is always an interesting one for me.  In my experience, it's rarely at midnight and it's always one of the most heavily attended Masses of the year very frequently being standing room only.  I think it's because in addition to the normal parishioners, there is an additional combination of first time visitors, old parishioners who have been away temporarily or permanently (like in college or working somewhere else), and then all the C.E.O. (Christmas and Easter Only) Catholics come out as well. 

I don't know about you, but for me, I always have a hard time focusing on the liturgy during Christmas Eve Mass.  I tend to find myself looking around at all the people getting distracted by all the new faces and the old familiar ones.  I find myself wondering what old friends who have been away are up to now, but at the same time also totally judging the college kids who I know have gone wild (via Facebook) and those folks that clearly haven't been to Mass in ages and can barely remember what to do. 

Yikes, it gets pretty nasty up there.

This year, I'm spending the holidays with the in-laws who are out-of-state and Protestant.  My wife and I attended "Midnight Mass" (at 5PM) at the local parish where we go whenever we are back.  The children's choir was leading the music which was cute and all, but some of the logistics didn't seem thought through which led to some distractingly bad liturgy (think lots of socializing during the Offering of the Gifts with no music).  In addition, I had a hard time not noticing the large three generation family in front of us who were passing out mentos to each other (adults included) during Mass and laughing to each other during the consecration. 

As I tried to pray, I couldn't help but ask full of judgmental, sarcastic incredulity, "Jesus, we're waiting in 'joyful hope' for you to come back to this <mentally gesturing to all of the things I saw was wrong>?!"

My next thought fully aware of my own negative, hardened heart and becoming so awestruck at the sheer craziness of it all, "Wow.  Jesus, you came into the world for this?  You came into the world for me?"

I guess all of that brokenness is exactly why God sent Jesus for.  I knew that.  But I'm still not done knowing that.

Wide Eyed Widening Heart

Let's be clear.  Being Chinese-American, I do not have wide eyes.  However, being Chinese American, it is engrained in me to try and anticipate others' needs which makes me sensitive to people and non-verbal communication.  For some reason, I make lots of observations on people and social situations and usually, I try to connect the dots - sometimes accurately, sometimes not.  On the not-so-rare occasion when I share my thought out loud, it is not uncommon for people to never have considered it or they weren't crazy enough to go so far as to intellectualize it or both.  Fortunately (unfortunately?), this same observational neurosis applies to myself as well.  Though I have normal-ish sized eyes, I live in the world with my eyes wide open, observing, judging, discerning, and learning.

Being a cradle Catholic with evangelical sensibilities, I love the Catholic Church and am amazed at the Holy Spirit's work in the Evangelical community.  I strive to grow deeper in my relationship with Jesus Christ and I am unafraid to question my own beliefs, assumptions, biases, and situations.  There are few things that I am afraid to talk about both serious and light-hearted and the hope is that this leads my heart to become wider so that I become the man God created me to be and that I learn to love as God loves.

Clear eyes.  Full hearts.  Can't lose.