My Spoon is too Big

I was always under the impression that to be a man meant that you always had to be the big spoon.  It was the position of power and control.  You also got to be the protector and provider of warmth.

Since being married, I now have the possibility of spooning every night and for long periods of time.   However, that has turned the above ideal into awkward placements of the mattress side arm, mouthfuls of hair which always tickles your face first, and getting way too hot.

Being wiser and more married-er, I've discovered that a key to marital bliss actually lies in being the small spoon! The wifey still feels secure and warm wrapping herself around you, your arm no longer needs to go numb under her head (for some reason this isn't as big of a deal for women), and you can breathe easy, hair-free, AND have full control of the blanket thermostat (ie. how much you are in or out of the covers).  You can take that to the bank.

Pregnancy Envy as a Guy

It's really weird as a guy to know what pregnancy envy feels like. Prior to wanting to start a family or even being married, I knew this was an experience for people who desired to have a child, but were having trouble conceiving. Growing up, I knew of certain couples in the church who wanted children, but couldn't and even now, I'm friends with couples experiencing this. It seems pretty obvious that it must be very difficult when people around them are getting pregnant and especially when their good friends who try for the first time and boom, they're pregant. It's also probably very spiritually stretching if you're in a good a place and spiritually dark if you're not.

However, my personal empathy to this experience prior to us wanting to start a family was that I was only affected when talking to these couples directly, hearing them share about their struggles or trying to be sensitive about dropping any mutual friends' baby news.  I didn't really think about it otherwise.  Out of sight, out of mind, I guess.

My wife and I have always been very excited to start a family and both desire a large family. But now that we're actually starting to try, the whole shift in mindset has been quite staggering. There are lots of weird little things that I start to notice or think about. Among them:

• It's quite liberating to go from avoiding green and white baby stickers (Creighton Model) to just enjoying each other.  It's funny because in our first few months of marriage, almost every month, there was a day we "shouldn't have used" which caused us to look forward to the next period in anxiety wondering if we got pregnant.  I remember thinking that if we had gotten pregnant, I would've been a bit distraught.
• The whole process has really brought out what my wife and I individually believe about God's goodness to us.  We can tend to struggle with feeling like God asks us to sacrifice things for Him more often than not so we've found ourselves wondering if we'll end up being one of the couples who can't conceive or if we may be parents to a special-needs child or something else.  This has really brought to light the concept of barrenness in the Bible and how it's an age old problem. 
• On that note, the whole process just seems way slower than I expected.  Each month you try during the fertile time and then you just ........... wait.  There's nothing else you can really do to make things happen faster or ensure a positive result.  You just wait and see if the period comes.  It was a bit surprising, but very interesting to see that in conjuction with the common societal value of needing to be in control.  We have only been trying a few months and so far, it's felt like forever.  I know there are tons of couples who are rolling their eyes right now.
• And as you're waiting, I've noticed that my wife struggles with how much to look into every single sign.  I'm starting to cramp --> my period must be coming --> I'm not pregnant =(.  I'm feeling a bit nauseous --> I've had a cold for a while --> or I might be pregnant.  For the woman who is desiring to become pregnant, it feels like such a roller coaster ride.
• On my side, it feels like EVERYONE is pregnant around me.  All of a sudden, I have baby bump radar (or bump-dar).  There are seriously at least six women at work who are pregnant and three guys just announced that their wives are pregnant.  In the same meeting.  It's like it's so easy for other people.  And then that gets me thinking about all of the teen pregancies out there shaking my head in disbelief at how that works out.  Either they are having TONS of sex or they are super fertile. 

Well anyways, forgive my political incorrectness.  This is a new experience.

Chinese Dads are Asexual

Chinese parents suck at talking to kids about sex. I'm sure it's tough regardless of your ethnicity, but Chinese parents seem to extra suck at it. You add that to a modest culture and the fact that in society, up until recently, Chinese guys have been seen as asexual, and you get a tumultuous adolescence, particularly if you consider yourself a Christian.

There is lots of discussion on this topic so I won't go there this time, but there is a sub-topic that fascinates me. It's awkward for me to think about, but I can't for the life of me see a Chinese dad as a sexual being. It's already weird (and rare, I think) to see sexual situations in Asian media/dramas, but in real life it's even weirder. Recently, I was at a wedding where I heard that one of the dads in the wedding had cheated on the mom with her close friend. This was saddening, but not necessarily surprising since it's the type of drama you hear about a lot, especially on all these reality TV shows. However, then you remember that the dad we're talking about is someone like this:

and then it's like, "Whaaa..?!" You think all they care about is making money, making sure their offspring are successful, and solving engineering/math/medical problems. It's hard for me to think that they even have a horny bone in them. I don't think I've ever seen a Chinese dad check out another woman.

As I've gotten older and have come across more of our Chinese church gossip (which is a big problem, btw), there are lots of stories floating around about how various men have cheated. It's a sad (but not uncommon) situation, but I keep getting caught up on, "They...are out there....having sex?! *shiver* *dunks head in cold water*"

Fake Out Proposal

Among my broader circle of friends and acquaintances who are getting their marriage on, I’ve noticed a mini-trend. When the guys are imminently planning to propose to their girlfriend, it seems that inevitably, one of the ideas that gets tossed around is some sort of fake out where the guy will make the girl think he is about to propose and then doesn’t.

First, some background. In this broad circle (my wife and I included), it is very common for couples to go through some sort of pre-engagement counseling in addition to a pre-marital program. Now pre-marital counseling is nothing new, but pre-engagement counseling seems to be a newfangled thing. Impersonally, it seems to be a pervading value to make the best decision possible with the most information possible. More appropriately, couples usually do it to grow more deeply in their own understanding of self as well as explore more deeply the dynamics of their relationship.

As an aside, I highly recommend it as it was really helpful to “ask the hard questions” outside the context of being “locked in” (ie. a ring) and without the added overhead and the all-consuming process of planning a wedding. Said another way, it was helpful to prepare for a marriage instead of just preparing for a wedding.

Anyhow, doing so much relational processing as a couple will often times take out most, if not all, of the surprise of getting engaged assuming the couple discerns that they will be getting married (it would probably be a shock if they broke up). However, inevitably, the guy will still have some traditionalist sense of wanting to surprise his girl and it seems that the only way to reintroduce any surprise is to try and throw her off the trail.

This is why I think some sort of fake out idea is always tossed around. “I know she knows we’re getting married so if I ‘help’ her continue to think she knows what’s coming and then BOOM! not do anything, then I’ll be in the clear. Problem solved.”

I’m not saying that a fake out always ends up making the final cut. Sometimes, another female is introduced somewhere along the way who provides perspective for how extremely emotional it can be for a girl. But it seems that guys should get a little credit for wanting to keep some chivalry be it a bit misguided.