What's with all the negativity?

It's unbelievable to me the amount of outward negativity there is associated with having kids.  I guess, given our immediate fulfillment type culture, it makes sense, but I find this sentiment equally in secular society and among those Christian (and Catholic) friends whom I know believe that children are a blessing from God.  Still, I'm sure if you drilled down into them, most people would find positive words to say about being a parent and their kids.  It's just that my idyllic, Theology-of-the-Body-influenced self is so struck by the fact that the first words out of parents' mouths are always something to do with how negatively impacted their lives are.

Like I said, I recognize that with me being an expectant Dad, I probably still have on rose-colored lenses and that I honestly have no real world experience with the emotions of being up in the middle of the night with a wailing baby.  I definitely don't want to discount the difficulty and enormous amount of self-sacrifice required and I suppose technically, from the lens of the Bible (Romans 8:13, Luke 9:23, Galatians 5:24, etc), people are correct that their lives are over because they are dying to themselves for the sake of another, but I somehow doubt that's what people really mean in the moment.

I think partly what I'm responding to is the erosion of the nuclear family in modern society.  Like I said earlier, the prevailing mindset seems to be one that is self-serving and so those things that go against that mindset probably feel the most painful.  As a result, in our status-updating culture, that discord is at the front of our minds and so maybe that's why it gets shared so often. 

I'm not really asking that parents no longer complain because at times, it's probably therapeutic.  Sharing honestly about your current emotional/mental/physical state can probably help people connect relationally, ie. sharing how tired you are because you've been trying to soothe a colicky baby or how frazzled you are from trying to round up a bunch of kids to get to church.  But it's those sweeping statements that are more a factor of perspective, intentionality, and desire for affirmation that seem dangerous to me.  Stuff like, "Oh, you're pregnant?  Congrats!  Your life is over!  Kiss your sex life goodbye!  You'll never travel again!"   I just want a bit more balance.

My prayer is that I can represent a more Truthful understanding of family in my life (Psalm 127:3-5). But check back in with me after October.  I might be feeling pretty sheepish.  

**SPOILERS**

It has become a part of our Silicon Valley culture (at least) these days where people are quite courteous and sensitive when it comes to spoiling movies.  Most people, from critics to random people, will almost always give a disclaimer when discussing a part of a movie that gives away some significant portion of the plot.  Usually, a prominently typed or formatted, "SPOILERS," acts as the writer/talker's sufficient warning that releases them from any culpability for ruining someone else's movie watching experience.  If this is ignored or forgotten, there will almost always be a socially justified strong reaction out of the reader/hearer to berate the spoiler-er.

With DVR's found in more and more households, it seems (definitely for me) that watching sporting events on tape delay is becoming more and more and commonplace.  If you've ever attempted to watch a game on tape delay, you know that there are definitely pros and cons.  Pros include being able to skip commercials and watch the game at your own pace.  With a growing family and a marriage that is a top priority, the less time I can spend in order to get my sporting fix means the more quality time I can give the wifey.  However, the cons are where it really becomes an adventure. 

Especially if the sporting event is fairly high profile, like say a play-off or finals game or a top college football game, and most people know you're a fan, you might as well turn off your phone.  Even if you try not to look at your text messages, based on the timing and possibly who sent it to you (on the home screen), you usually can figure out if it's positive or negative.  Status messages (on GChat, Facebook, AIM, etc) should also obviously be avoided.

There are also always people who want to talk about the game and inevitably, in passing you're also likely to find out about the game - people gathering around a TV and cheering or groaning, people who were following on the internet or on their phone, etc.

Of course, I acknowledge that if one chooses to watch a game on tape delay, you can't complain *too* much if it gets spoiled, especially if you were in public places during the game.  But really, it always feels like a gut-punch especially if I had been building up the watching experience expectation in my mind for a while - to just kick back with a glass of scotch and just chill.  So as a result, I'm proposing, out of the goodness of peoples' hearts, that we institute a, "SPOILERS," cultural shift that, like movies, encourages a sensitivity to people's sport watching preferences. 

Beat That Testimony

One of the most uplifting things in my faith is hearing people share about the transforming, redeeming power of God in their lives.  Growing up in a variety of Christian environments, the sharing of testimonies were pretty much standard in Evangelical, Protestant communities, rare in modern Catholic culture (though everywhere in the lives of the saints), and so collectively, I've heard my fair share of these stories.  Especially in light of a secular culture where the common rhetoric for the non-existence of God is the lack of evidence, I've always enjoyed hearing these sort of macro-social examples (though I realize that atheists don't feel that it's bullet-proof).

Something I've realized over years of hearing testimonies is that I have sub-consciously developed something that I'm terming the "prodigal-meter."   What is that you ask?  Well, assuming we're familiar with the story of the Prodigal Son, it's basically a meter of spiritual tolerance that dictates the emotional amazement and awe I feel when hearing a testimony.  The more "prodigal" a testimony is, the higher it scores on the prodigal-meter and the more, "Wow!  God is so awesome-spectacular-worthy-holy-is-the-lamb-praise-tha-Lawd!" I get.  The interesting thing with this "prodigal-meter" is that it is relative, ever-changing, and continually normalizing as I hear more and more stories and is honestly something I have to actively fight against. 

For example, when I was in middle/high school and heard my first testimony of someone praying to God for an A and then getting it, I was like, "Foe reeealz?!  God hears and answers those types of prayers?!  Siiiick! (a little norcal 1990's slang for ya'll)"  Then, as I got older and learned more about how God isn't a cosmic, wish-granting genie (Jesus Following 101, I guess), each subsequent time I heard this type of testimony again, it was easier and easier to dismiss the relative importance of that experience for the testifier and even feel a bit smug. 

These days, it almost feels like the "gold-standard" of testimonies has become ones of deliverance from a life of promiscuity, drugs, and/or alcohol.  And even then, the rank of the wow-factor of this "gold-standard" testimony seems to go, from least-wow to most-wow, alcohol and partying (eh, lots of people get into that), then the dabbling in drugs (okay, this is bad, but at least you're mostly only screwing yourself up), then the sexual sin (sex?! <cue general Christian insecurity and personal confusion>).  But still, it does seem that people ascribe the most awe to these types of testimonies and it has had an impact on general Christian culture.  Seeing it especially in my generally square high school students, there is sort of an increased lack of sharing because there is a fear that if the testimony isn't "hardcore" enough, people feel lame about sharing it or may not think it's even worth sharing, diminishing a powerful thing God did in their life.

While I could write a lot about that, on the flip-side, one testimony I recently heard set a new standard on the prodigal-meter.  In a large group setting, someone that I know shared how a few years ago, in a moment of alcohol-affected weakness, he ended up molesting a younger, more vulnerable friend and how he had carried the guilt and shame with him through the years.  In fact, it was this guilt and shame that drove him to be so active in the church to "make up for it."  He hadn't been to Confession since that time, but through a powerful retreat experience, finally went, fully confessed it, and experienced the amazing redemptive power of God's forgiveness through the Sacrament of Confession.  You could've heard a pin drop.  I was so blown away.

Hearing this testimony actually made me realize how normalized deliverance from sexual promiscuity/pornography/masturbation has become in the sense that it is something that increasingly gets shared, in my experience.  Don't get me wrong, on an individual level, it's still an incredibly difficult struggle and thing to share, but I think that part of the reason for the normalization is because just about everyone can identify with the struggles whether you have gone through it yourself or could easily see yourself doing it based on what you know about your desires.  Molestation is such a taboo topic, especially in the Catholic Church, that it has almost reached "unforgivable" status, right there next to blaspheming against the Holy Spirit.

It was a good reality check for me.  Clearly, I need to be intentionally vigilant against the prodigal-meter and continue to allow myself to experience ever new the breath-taking goodness and love of Jesus.

How do children understand marriage?

A question I've been pondering to myself today is: How do children learn and understand the concept of marriage, especially if their parent(s) aren't married?  

In my daily consumption of pop culture, I've already come across two examples of male celebrities who are openly thinking about getting married due to their (out-of-wedlock) kids asking them why they aren't married to their mother.

1. P. Diddy in his song, "Coming Home":

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k-ImCpNqbJw

Between 1:05 and 1:22, P. Diddy raps:

What am I supposed to do when the club lights come on /
It's easy to be Puff, but it's harder to be Sean /
What if the twins ask why I ain't marry their mom /
How do I respond?  /
What if my son stares with a face like my own /
And says he wants to be like me when he's grown?

2.  An article on people.com (<sigh> yes, I do glance at it occasionally...okay fine, daily) where Brad Pitt is re-considering his long-held view that he, "will consider tying the knot when everyone else in the country who wants to be married is legally able."  What's making him reconsider?  His kids asking about it (full interview here).

Preparing to have a child myself, I've been thinking more and more about how I want to teach my kids and how I want them to see me.  Surely, a great deal of their understanding of marriage will come from the model they learn from me and my wife, but in the two situations above, the children seem to know either that if their parents love each other or if they are their parents' children, their parents should be married (or both). 

Is that something learned in school or from societal clues around them?  Or is there an additional instinctive, inherent, natural order to it as well?  At the very least, the family unit is showing to be quite influential to even the more world-hardened people.

The Possimpible Way

I've always liked David Hayward's image of the "Narrow Way".









As I live more and more life, Jesus' words in Matthew 7:13-14 continue to ring more and more true.  It's really hard to follow Jesus and it requires changing, stretching, and conforming our hearts, very painfully at times, to be more like His.  Narrow gate indeed.

I have to admit though, that after seeing Hayward's image, one of the first things that came to my mind was, "Hey, that totally reminds me of the Japanese variety show human tetris game!"



And then after watching the video again, I've come to the conclusion that it's an even better analogy, albeit a much more ridiculous and light-hearted one!  Let me explain:

It's always a shock when we first realize how much is required of us to become a disciple.

Many of us actually make an attempt to try and figure out what it takes to follow Jesus.

Some of us fail...

...even when it looks pretty easy to observers.

(how do they not beat this one?!)

Some of us succeed!...

...only to discover that the next level  in following Jesus is even crazier and more impossible (or possimpible if you will).

 Then on top of that, try to do it in community.

I need to anticipating

As an ABC, it is engrained in me to anticipate others' needs.  If someone asks me for help with something before I anticipate it, I am internally shamed (though not to be mistaken for having already mentally anticipated a need, but just waiting for them to ask - hey, we're not robots). 

It's like I go through life with one eye on the things I'm doing and one eye on the people around me.  If I'm buttering my bread at the toast making station in the cafeteria, I can feel exactly if the person behind me wants to squeeze in behind me to get their toast started in the toaster (that reminds me of one of my favorite puns: The phrase, "Guns don't kill people, people kill people" doesn't make sense - that's like saying, "Toasters don't toast toast, toasts toast toast."  Great...now the word "toast" just looks spelled wrong.).  Anyways, so I let the person squeeze in next to me, after all, efficiency, I guess, is king.

However, just because I can anticipate something doesn't mean that I'll meet the need.  I am an aggressive driver (not to be confused with an Asian woman driver), there, I said it.  And so when I see a fellow aggressive driver coming up behind me a lane over knowing that he wants to cut in front of me, I may speed up so that he gets stuck behind the slower car ahead of him in his lane.  There, I said that too.  Sometimes I can be a jerk like that.

But even more jerk-like, it's sometimes amazing to me how I can irrationally project this value I have onto other people.  I mean, if I'm working so hard to anticipate others' needs, people should at least return the freaking favor right?  That right there is the heart of the sins that I tend to confess the most during Confession.  If I'm next in line at the toast station and all I want to do is get my toast started, if only the person taking their sweet time and their sweet space could feel the wrath of my internal lambasting that I'm too non-confrontational to say.  Don't even get me started when I'm driving behind slow people.  <sigh>.  Sorry, Jesus.

Three Qualities

Over my first five years of high school ministry, I've started to notice a trend. The students who seem to grow the most in their faith after graduation and during their college years tended to have the following three qualities:

1. Teachability
   These students allowed their hearts to be challenged by seemingly familiar concepts and were always looking to grow.
   
2. Unafraid to ask questions
   After allowing their hearts to be challenged, these students were unafraid to ask the tough questions, which always had a connection to their personal lives, and seek out answers.
   
3. Willingness to take risks
   Once they asked their questions and heard the answers, they found the courage and conviction to be able to take a risk and attempt to put the principles into practice in their lives.  
   

It has been one of my greatest joys in ministry to hear the students testify to God's faithfulness in their lives as they continue to grow.