What is Love?

"God cannot fall in love for the same reason water cannot get wet: it is wet. It is wetness itself. Love Itself cannot receive love as a passivity. It can only spread it as an activity."
                                                       ~ Peter Kreeft, What is Love?

Bad Liturgy, Awkward Moments, and Improper Thoughts

Mass is the source and summit of the Catholic faith.  I love the Mass and most people who know me would never question that.  However, I'm sure like many people, my mind can tend to wander around a bit during Mass both through my own fault and sometimes as a result of bad liturgy.  I'm sometimes bemused by bad liturgy, awkward moments, and/or improper thoughts.  For example:

• Priests that like to make small talk
  You know those priests that try to make a personal connection with the congregation either right after the entrance song or right before the recessional song?  The ones that say something like "How is everyone today?" or "Have a great day!"?  It's always funny to watch how the congregation responds.  For the greeting, some people respond with, "Good, Father."  Others say, "Fine," or, "Great."  For the farewell, you hear some people say, "You too, Father," and others, "Thank you."  Some of the responders speak up forcefully as if trying to speak for everyone while others sort of respond quietly out of automated politeness.  For both cases, there are also those who sense the awkwardness of the situation and simply nod or shift uncomfortably and don't say anything.  Altogether, it makes for a few moments of a messy din that makes me just want to look at my feet.  I think it actually makes the point of why liturgy, the definition of which is a prescribed form of public worship, is practical, necessary, and important.
  
  
• Judging the Cantor, Lectors, etc.
  This is the one where while the cantor or lector is doing their thing, you find yourself distracted because you're thinking more about them.  Perhaps it's because you're judging them because of "stuff" you know about their personal lives which, for whatever reason, makes you deem them "unfit" for their role.  Or maybe you feel like they're cantoring because it makes them feel like a rock star or lectoring because they just like to hear the sound of their own voice instead of seeing themselves as a vessel of the Holy Spirit.  In any case, your thoughts are distracting you from paying attention to the Word of God.  And by "you," I mean "me."  However, the reverse is also true where an inspirational lector or cantor can also lead you into a powerful experience with God.
  
  
• Gift Bearers Bowing During the Offertory
  I especially love seeing large Catholic families bring up the gifts to the altar.  It's so heart-warming for me.  However, it could easily degenerate and this is where having a good liturgical coordinator is crucial.  The pace down the center aisle is important, but not as important (to me) as coordinating the bowing.  It's painful for me to watch when after presenting the gifts to the priest and altar servers, one of the gift bearers unsure of whether or not to bow begins a half-hearted bow.  The second gift bearer, who wasn't going to bow in the first place and has already slowly started to walk away turns back and starts a quick bow because the other gift bearer was bowing.  The first gift bearer has already stopped bowing and is walking away.  It's like liturgical teen angst.
  
  
• Musicians Coming in at the Wrong Time
  I tend to see this more when there is a new priest or if the lead cantor has zoned out a bit.  It usually goes something like this.  The priest has just finished saying, "And so we join the angels and saints in proclaiming your glory..." and is waiting for the musicians to come in.  They are a little bit late and so the priest begins to say the Sanctus.  Just as the congregation is about to join in, the musicians come in and everyone stops in their tracks and then begins singing.  If it's not late, then it's early.  I imagine that many Catholics have experienced a moment where in the middle of the beautiful Eucharistic prayer, the overzealous pianist or organist comes in with a triumphant chord jarring everyone and throwing the priest off.  People spend the rest of the prayer trying not to look at the embarrassed musician who is trying to hide. 
  
  
• and my personal favorite: Has a Priest Ever Been Hit in the Face with the Thurible?
  Incense is a beautiful image and symbol within the Mass and the moment during the Mass when the priest and the people are incensed with three swings is one of my favorites.  One day, while the altar server acting as the thurifer was incensing the priest, I had a horrible thought.  For the next few seconds, it was all I could do to not burst out in giggles because I couldn't stop picturing the altar server accidentally swinging the thurible into the priest's face as he bowed, knocking him backwards with a solid "boink."

I need to go to Confession.  However, most importantly, I am reminded of how human liturgy is and the amazing grace it is for God to make Himself physically present in the midst of such brokenness and awkwardness.

Lyric of the Moment 1

"I'll treat you like milk, I'll do nothin' but spoil you."
                                             ~Lil' Flip, Sunshine

More Changes...

In keeping with the last post, not only does getting married change things in a relationship, but so does getting pregnant.  Go figure. 

As my wife and I undergo this transition in our marriage, one thing that pregnancy has changed is the way we're used to physically interacting with each other.  I know that it may seem obvious, but it's not really something that is talked about as much as YOUR LIFE BEING OVER. 

For example, hugging.  There's nothing better to calm one of us down or pick one of us up than a nice intimate hug.  I'm talking crotch-to-crotch intimate.  But with the growing tummy, that experience actually sorta feels a little violated.  It's supposed to be a me and wife moment and whether we like it or not, there is now a melon between us that is perfectly/conveniently in the way of prime bit-fitting nuzzlage.  The obvious take-away here is: welcome to parenthood.  I guess even starting from the womb, kids can naturally get in the way of potential intimacy with the spouse so I suppose my feeling towards it depends on my thoughts about how I entitled I feel to that intimacy and how hard I want to work towards it.

Then there's the cuddling change.  Yes, wifey and I love us some cuddle action.  Face to face, I guess it's actually made that particular position better as there's a natural negative cavity that's perfect for the baby bump (think of the space when two spoons are facing each other).  But speaking of spooning, now, when I'm small spoon, I also get nice, random kicks in the back by the baby.  It's a really weird, yet awesome feeling.  Still, this position is the bomb-diggity because instead of getting left behind for the pregnancy pillow like in The Back-up Plan, which I may or may not have seen, I'm still the man.  Seriously.  It's the gift that keeps on giving.

And going back to bits fitting together, sex has changed as well.  Previously comfortable positions now no longer really work either for health reasons and/or practical reasons.  We've had to re-learn a bit and try new things.  This one had the biggest potential to drive a bit of a wedge between us almost literally, but communication has been the key to unlocking this new adventure.

Lots of changes, but we've embraced them.

Changes

Of course things change after you get married.  But one of the things that I didn't really expect to change was kissing.  Still, I guess I could have expected it based on the decidedly non-sexual way that elderly couples kiss even when it's supposed to be passionate (think kiss cams at sporting events).  

Why did it change?  Well, for me, I think it had something to do with our commitment to save sex until marriage.  Think about it, if kissing is the only physical act that is "integrously okay" (ie. affection with integrity, not including "accidental" boobage brushes or extra close hugging of the entire torso, just sayin'), then prior to marriage for a chaste couple, there's gotta be an unbelievable amount of sexual tension behind every kiss - which was true at least for me (and a natural part of the commitment).

Now that we are happily married and enjoying the fullness of our bodies, the built up sexual tension has long been released or at the very least, significantly less. This had made kissing as a physical act much more pure.  Initially, it felt like a negative thing, but that was probably because previously, there was so much oomph behind each kiss and makeout session.  Now, it feels like a much more beautiful thing because it contains its purity in its one-of-many expressions of love that we have for each other and not re-actively a means to express sexual frustration.  A piece of advice that I heard during marriage prep was to practice times of kissing that does not lead to sex. As a Catholic, that fits very nicely into pregnancy avoidant times of NFP :).

Mary and Elizabeth

I am amazed by the crazy experience pregnancy must be for a woman.  Watching my wife go through it, it totally makes sense the immediate connection and solidarity that she has with other currently pregnant women. However, when I see this, I immediately try to categorize one woman as "Mary" and one as "Elizabeth" and either want the "Elizabeth" to be a mentor figure to us or my wife to be the mentor figure to the "Mary". Being the J that I am, I get especially gleeful if one woman is almost exactly 6 months ahead of the other. I'm a weirdo.

Extraordinarily Ordinary

As I continue to walk along my spiritual journey, I continue to be amazed by how each pinnacle of spirituality I was trying to reach was actually only a baby step into deeper fullness of life – that which I could not adequately see until I had reached the peak.

Moving from one climax to the next, I grew from going through the indoctrinated motions as a child to taking ownership of my faith as an adolescent, from embracing spiritual discipline to gaining freedom in the mist of it.  I went from one mountain top of realizing my own Belovedness to the next mountain top of learning how to listen to my own body and being attentive to my inner child.  While going through this rhythm, somewhere along the way, I began to pine for the high of struggling along the spiritual climb and its resulting breakthrough with its breathtaking view of the next summit.  Even still, the Truths that I absorbed from previous mountain tops became a deeper part of me than I even realized.

In fact, in the practical struggle of giving God dedicated personal time, I originally wrestled with the notion that in order for God to be present during the time, I needed to have kept Him consciously at the forefront of my mind and thoughts.  Any wandering off or distraction and I would need to lead myself back into His Presence. 

Through a re-awakening of my own Sacrament of Confirmation, I have begun to take hold of the Truth that an indelible mark on my soul has sealed the Spirit in my heart and that the God who I had sought externally as another entity fighting for space in the cosmic universe was actually not that and simply within me.  This realization changed these times I desired to spend with God from needing to constantly remember and explicitly think of Him to a simple acknowledgment of His presence with gratitude for the time to spend, and then being present to the activity, or lack thereof, knowing that the fullness of my physical, emotional, and mental presence was a deep worship of God because I was living in the Truth of my created being.

Still, these "sacred" times needed to be distinct and for some reason, that felt rightly so.  But the wisdom I had been gaining began revealing to me that this approach put unnecessary pressure on these "sacred" times and made me anxious to receive every ounce of spirituality there was to be gleaned – I was straddling the line of being utilitarian with God. 

Over the course of a few years, without it being an explicit goal I was striving towards, I was making my way to the next spiritual pinnacle.  And now, it seems, that I have reached the vicinity of this next mountain top without even realizing it – that slowly, along the way, I began to trust that the God I was hoping to encounter at each minor height was present as I walked along the ascent.  "Sacred" times no longer needed to be dramatic, well reflected, or deeply self-aware.  Attentiveness to my inner child led me to feel content with listening to my body's call for sleep or food and a peace to space out in what I previously would have termed "undisciplined meditation."  Heeding my masculine call for adventure no longer meant the added pressure of needing a "good story."  In my desire to find the next summit, I had inadvertently discovered an inner peace and Godly-contentment with the ordinary, plain, and even boring life.  That God would be so powerful that He would not be content only with bringing me to my knees at each mountain top, but that I would also be able to experience peace in knowing that He is also fully content with my boring life in the valleys between, even the mundane self-perceived flaws that camouflage so easily with mediocrity.

Coming to this realization at this point in my life can only be God's providence.  With my wife and I about to bring new life into this world, in many ways, our lives are about to get extremely ordinary, perhaps painfully so.  Seeing many fathers that are found lacking, I am moved to be present and to love deeply.  On the other hand, seeing many fathers that I am amazed by and long to model myself after, I am paralyzed by inadequacy.  However, as "sacred" time slowly becomes less of a distinct time, it begins pervading the rest of my life itself.  In the midst of diaper changes, feedings, and nap times, the pressure of needing to have God at the explicit forefront of my mind would likely be a frustrating battle.  All time is sacred and the Truth of living out my vocation being physically, emotionally, and mentally present means that I am spiritually present as well.  This brings the peace and the presence of God into ordinary life.  When I can live like this, only then can I bring my daughter into that presence as well.  That feels like freedom in an extraordinarily ordinary way.